xoxo,
I just wanted to quickly note that I was sitting in the living room watching the greatest movie ever, Almost Famous, when my stupid roommate (the one I don't like) came home. She went straight upstairs to shower and then went to bed, didn't say a thing to me. She didn't do her usual routine when she comes home which is to eat enough food to feed a small village (and probably throw it right back up 10 seconds later) with the TV blaring on until 3:30 in the morning.
Thank god. It's my bedtime.
Hannah Claire
Monday, January 26, 2009
xoxo,
Why is it so hard for me to sleep all the fucking time? Ugh.
I just want to say that my roommate is a bitch. Every time I talk to her now she's very rude, and I have no idea why. I would like to move out I think. But that's so much work!
There is a dog barking outside. It's annoying me.
Wow, great, my dog just farted big time.
I'm kind of hungry, and that is upsetting because it's too late to go downstairs and get a snack. But I would really like a taco.
I hate school. I'm pissed that my books that I ordered from half.com aren't here yet, because I have homework that is due this week, so I hope that they get here FAST.
I really just want something to go my way for once. A job would be nice right now. Or... winning the lottery. Or.. meeting my soulmate. All three would be fantastic actually.
Being awake this late isn't good for me. Do you ever think about where you were 3 years ago, compared to where you are now in your life and just say "WOW.. how the fuck??" When I'm up this late, that's what I start to think about. 3 years ago, January 2006. Where was I? Oh, that's right. I had just moved out of the apartment my boyfriend and I had been sharing, so that I could move into the dorms at school and make friends. I joined my sorority, and then got back together with my boyfriend, moved back in with him, and successfully alienated all of the friends I had just made. I worked all summer at the tanning salon and took classes online, my dad came to visit me for my 21st birthday, and my boyfriend and I spent new year's eve in Idaho with my mom. There was a blizzard, and we couldn't get out of the house to go anywhere. It's hard for me to believe how much different my life is now, but also now that I'm thinking about it, it's kind of the same. I don't have a job, or a boyfriend. But I'm still in school, my car is still a piece of shit, I still have my dog, I still play housewife to my 2 shitty ass roommates who don't clean or take out the trash or check the mail, etc.
There's a sense of .... security? when I think about how different my life could be even just a year from now. Even though I'm not happy with what is going on right now, I know that things could be drastically different for me this time next year. There's a little comfort in that because there's a possibility that whoever is up there in the sky watching out for me actually likes me this year, and maybe a year from now the "different' that I'm wishing for will not be bad, it will be good.
God, I hope so.
Hannah Claire
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
xoxo,
Wow.
That sums up how I have been feeling all day today. Words can't even describe how grateful I am to have been alive and well to see this happening in my country. I have always been taught not to see color, and it seems like the rest of the country has finally caught on, too. Barack Obama is such an inspiring, charismatic, strong and positive leader. I know he is going to do amazing things with his presidency, and I hope he does well enough to be elected again in 2012. I was brought to tears periodically throughout the day, whenever I turned the tv on, I am overwhelmed with emotion. I don't think there has been this kind of support and emotion for a president since JFK. I am just so, so, so HAPPY for our country. I think we finally have found an amazing person that everyone can believe in. It truly is a new day, and I can't even describe how happy I am. I will do everything in my power to help you, President Obama. Yes, we can!
Hannah Claire
Monday, January 19, 2009
xoxo,
I wanted to update this more, but every time I try to write anything at all, I finish and it is boring and just.. sucks.
But regardless, I didn't drop off the face of the earth. I haven't really even been busy. Let's see, Wednesday was another successful night at Wasted Space. Open bars are no good for me, I have to remember that even when it's free, I cannot chug 7 vodka sprites in an hour and a half and expect to do anything productive the next day. I literally was in bed ALL DAY Thursday. I had class at 1pm, which I missed. It ended up being okay because my teacher got into a car accident on the way to school so she had to cancel class. We are going to Wasted Space again this Wed... I'll have to limit myself to 4 drinks this time so I can function the next day. Friday I didn't do anything either, Shanna's washer broke so she was at my house borrowing mine.. pedicure, went out to eat, went to the bar with Rachel, went to a fraternity party.. yawnnn. I am tired of that scene. It's finally getting really, really, really, old.
Last night was another shit show. $10 all you can drink at Blondies. I don't remember half of my night. Whoops. I think we went to Wasted Space for a little while, all I know is I got home at 3:30 in the morning and I wanted to kill myself this morning, I was in pain. Wow, All of that makes me sound like a drunk. I'm not, I swear! Okay maybe a little. I really only drank 2 nights out of 7, so I think I did pretty well considering that before I left Vegas for winter break I was going out 3, 4 nights a week.
Shanna and I are going to Red Rock for some hiking tomorrow! It's gonna be 65 and sunny, perfect weather for a hike. I love Vegas for this reason! Gotta get some sleep.. maybe I'll have something more substantial to talk about tomorrow.
Hannah Claire
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
xoxo,
Do you ever feel like something is coming?
Something bigger, better, like your life is supposed to be something better,
maybe that something better is coming and you dont even know it.
i've always wanted to be better than normal.
i dont want to be normal.
but what is better, really?
money? fame? recognition?
no. better is to be happy with what im doing.
i want to be interesting. i want to have substance.
i want to feel creative again.
sometimes i feel like i'm not any of those.
i always feel like i am none of those.
sometimes, like tonight when im alone in my room
with no one else around but my thoughts
i get this feeling
a weird, anxious,
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO RIP MY HAIR OUT
AND STOMP MY FOOT UNTIL IT COMES
feeling.
I don't know how else to describe it.
Whatever, whoever, wherever you are
can you just come out of hiding now?
i'm ready.
Hannah Claire
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
xoxo,
I feel different. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm getting back to myself.
I'm saying no to things that I always said yes to.
Spending time with myself isn't as painful as it was a month ago, two days ago.
My anxiety is slowly getting better. I don't think about crazy horrible things happening to people I love.
Well I think about it.
But not so much.
S and I went to the gym tonight! (!!!!) We ellipticized while watching gossip girl. I got there like 15 mins before she did, so I was on the fucking thing for 1 hr 15 mins. I have a feeling I'm gonna feel it tomorrow. Tomorrow I have class from 11:30 to 6:45, and S and I are going to be running and lifting weights at 7:30. I think that if I have a buddy and we don't stray from our plan, I can do this. I also went to Whole Foods (otherwise known as HEAVEN) today and got a bunch of food to make myself.. Hopefully it will last me like 2 weeks or so, cuz I am broke as a joke.
Uhh, ok. Nothing else. I just can't sleep. But what's new?
Hannah Claire
Sunday, January 11, 2009
xoxo,
Where did all the time go?
I am in a weird mood today. School starts tomorrow. I thought I only had classes on tues+thurs, but they fucking changed the time of one of my classes so now I'm stuck at fucking school m-th. I don't have a class before 11:30 though, which is good. I think I can handle waking up at 8 or 9 every morning. Waking up at 7 was killing me last semester.
I'm not looking forward to this. The syllabus for one of my soc classes is up online already, and there's a motherfucking PRESENTATION. I have anxiety about getting up in front of people. Fuck me. There are better ways for me to demonstrate my knowledge of something without having to subject myself to possibly collapsing on the floor from anxiety. I'd rather write a 10 page paper than get up in front of a class of my peers and present something. Ughhhhhhhhhhh. It's only 7.5% of our entire grade, too. I may just skip it. Or ask her if there's another way for me to get credit that doesn't involve presenting. I get anxious even thinking about this. K, moving on...
I added my last.fm box to the right. It's under my twitter updates. Now every knows what I listen to. Criticize away. Have fun. ;)
I feel like I haven't really done anything since I've been back. I guess it's ok for me to enjoy my last couple days of freedom, but I feel lazy. I want to go to the gym, but I just can't make myself. I figure, well, I'm being forced to get out of the house tomorrow and go to class, might as well work out while I'm at school. S and I have plans to hit the cardio equipment tomorrow, I'm not sure what time tho. I need to lose 50lbs. It's outta control. If I get this weight off, I swear to G that I will never be this heavy again. It's not as fun as you think it is! I am doing alright with the eating, I think. I had an instant breakfast this morning, with vanilla soy and a half scoop of protein powder, and about an hour ago I had this pasta salad I bought from fresh n easy, it was penne pasta with pesto, baby tomatoes and mozzarella cheese. Mmmm, soo yummy!
The new piercing hurts grande mucho. Well, that's an exaggeration. It doesn't really hurt that bad. It just.. hurts.. a little. All the time. It hurts a little all the time. I just want it to stop being red. I'm cleaning it all the time, I'm not wearing any make up right now (super hard btw), and doing everything right. I know it takes a while to stop being red, but cmon already! At least it's cute... but it would be cuter if it weren't red. Grrrr.
UGH SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL FUCK SCHOOL!!
Hannah Claire
Thursday, January 8, 2009
xoxo,
I got back to Vegas the day before yesterday. It's weird. I walked into my room and .... nothing had changed. Time stood still for 4 weeks inside my bedroom. It's not like I expected it to change, or anything.. just, a weird feeling is all.
It's nice to be with my friends, even though I'm realizing more and more that I really can only depend on myself for certain things, and that I can't keep looking elsewhere for validation. I have to validate myself first. I think that sometimes I just get so lonely, just hanging out with myself. I'm pretty cool and all, but if you were stuck inside of my head for a day I don't know if you'd want to hang out with me either. Um, so, I got a piercing. A monroe. It's cute. Picture here. You can't really see it that well, it just looks like a zit haha. But it's cute. I'm still getting used to it. The first night I was back, I twitched in my sleep and smacked myself right in the face, and it started bleeding everywhere. Whoops.
My new roommate cooks A LOT. In fact, the entire house smells like food all the time because she is always cooking. I have to run candles constantly to cover up the food smell. It doesn't help that the smell of food makes me hungry. I've been in my bedroom a lot the past few days in order to avoid the smell causing my appetite to flare up. Bah.
School starts for me on Tuesday. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming... I have to do better this semester. Operation: Graduate by December in full effect now.. Haha.
Hannah Claire
Monday, January 5, 2009
xoxo,
confusion is nothing new...
I feel like there are a million things piling on top of me. I'm stuck at the bottom of a never-ending pile of bullshit and life. It's frustrating, and sometimes I feel hopeless.. like tonight. I'm struggling in so many ways right now, and it's been this way for two years. It makes me wonder when all of this crap is going to end. When am I going to actually look at my life and LIKE it? I have been brushing it off for so long, I can't ignore it now.
I wish I were one of those people with talent. Any talent. I feel so boring and plain, nothing special.
It's depressing. Blech.
Back to Vegas tomorrow. Home. I should be happier.
Hannah Claire
Friday, January 2, 2009
xoxo,
Whoops. Went shopping today. I couldn't help myself. We went to sephora. Ughhhhhh. All I wanted to get was brush cleanser and MAYBE a $30 eye palette... uhh... I came away with all of this:
I also got some brush cleanser, and another bottle of black nail polish,but those aren't really exciting or worth posting.
Yeah... GRAND TOTAL: $227.31
I am a crazy makeup addict and I need to be stopped. I just can't walk into sephora without dropping at least $100. I need a job. I applied for a bunch today, we'll see what happens.
Tomorrow is exciting, my sister and I are going to the city to hang out with my super cool aunt and her boyfriend. We are going out to a cool mexican restaurant, and then probably some irish bar across the street! So excited! This will be pretty much the first time I've actually hung out with my aunt doing something cool like going out and drinking. It's gonna be fun fun fun. Oh, and mom-free --- She's "too sick" to drive into the city and drive back out by herself. My sister and I are going to be spending the night, so she would have to drive back after dinner.
Hallelujah!!!!
Well, that's about it. Same old shit, otherwise. Talk tomorrow!
Hannah Claire
Thursday, January 1, 2009
xoxo,
The heater in my mom's house is going wacky. I am in a tank top and my underwear in bed right now AND I have the window open because I'm fucking ROASTING in this house. Ugh.
So, I guess this is the post where I'm supposed to contemplate 2008 and think about the ways it was good and bad for me. Well, everything I have to say about 2008 is bad. The only good thing that happened to me, happened in January '08 - getting a job. BUT, then that job took over my life, and while trying to maintain my social life I let my grades slip. June 08 was horrible: I was forced to move out of the house I was pretty comfortable in because I found out it was being foreclosed on, my roommate of a year told me she was pregnant and moving to Texas to be with the father by August, AND I got fired from my great job that I actually really liked. =( Ever since I was shoved back into the realm of unemployment, I have gained about 25 pounds and have been partying WAY too much, still not focusing on school, and have just been pretty "blah" about life.
I'm tired of being so negative about everything all the time. I just wish things were different.
I wish I knew how to change myself and my life.
So I guess, my goals for this year are as follows:
1) Get a job, and try to not let said job control my life and still focus on school while having somewhat of a social life.
2) Go to the gym 3x per week
3) GRADUATE, GRADUATE, GRADU-FUCKING-ATE.
Oh, and one more....
4) Go to as many shows as humanly possible in the (possibly) last year I have left in Vegas. :(
........Oh, and: 5) continuously update this blog.
Yeah. So anyway. PEACE OUT 2008! Good fucking riddance. I hated you. You were probably one of the most horrible years of my life (actually the past two have been fucking horrible, but who's counting?), and I am tremendously happy to see you go.
Fuck you, 2008.
I spent my New Year's Eve with my sister, playing charades at my mom's dining room table. It was fun, we laughed a lot. At least I wasn't alone. I drank a whole bottle of wine by myself, though. Uhhh.. worst headache EVER this morning. Good way to start the new year, right? I also went to my grandparent's house - Nana made traditional southern style New Years Day lunch, which consisted of corned beef roast (ew), cabbage stew (ew), black eyed peas (ew), potatoes (yum), and salad (yum). Apparently, the cabbage is for wealth and the peas are for prosperity. Good thing I don't believe in any of that shit because I didn't eat any of it. I had a small slice of meat and some potatoes and a little salad. I WAS STARVING AFTERWARDS. Meat grosses me out. Seriously. All I eat is chicken and fish most of the time, and seeing RED on my FOOD is GROSS. Just thinking about it makes me want to run to the toilet right now and empty my stomach of the orange soda I just drank. Yuck.
New subject. One of my extremely introspective and thoughtful, creative, artsy fartsy friends is writing a story. I'm not sure if it's gonna be a book, or just a fun story that may or may not go somewhere bigger, but it's good. I have part of "chapter one" right now, and I keep reading it, over and over and over and over. Maybe it's because it's a love story, and the heroine's name is ... my name. Maybe? It's like reading fan fiction, about myself. But it's not me. Whatever. I want her to keep writing it. It was fun for me, to escape for 5 minutes and pretend that what I was reading was actually about me.. God, that sounds fucking ridiculous. Right? Anyway, I don't want to post any of it here because I don't know if she would want me to or not, so I just.. won't. :) I can't decide if I should try to sleep right now, or if I should keep perusing youtube and twitter and facebook stalking people. Haha. Hey, it's not stalking, it's investigating... yeah?
Happy New Year kids.
Hannah Claire