xoxo,
My mom, sister, and I went to dinner tonight. It was all fun and nice family time. Until my mom brought up my weight, and my sister's weight. GOOD FUCKING PLACE TO BRING IT UP MOM. IN A RESTAURANT. WHERE WE ARE EATING.
Are you kidding?
She goes on to explain to my sister that she's willing to pay for any personal training, gym equipment, etc, that she or I might need (she had already explained this to me earlier....) to lose weight. My sister got defensive, my mom admitted that she is more worried about me than my sister.
I said "STOP. Just... stop. Please." My eyes began tearing, the little tingle in my nose started.. you know, the one you get right before you're about to burst into tears. I tried to look up at the ceiling, down at the table, across the room to the TVs by the bar.. anywhere to get my mind off of the current horrible situation that was bubbling our table. The tears still came. Thank god it was the end of our dinner. Paid the bill, got in the car. My dear sweet little sister tried to help me by talking to my mom in the car and trying to explain to her why we don't like our weight brought up so much.. Mom freaked, thought she was the one being attacked, of course, and turned everything around on me and my sister. What the fuck?
I couldn't handle it anymore, I went off. I yelled. I yelled at her. I told her that the reason why I cry about my weight is not because of MY WEIGHT. It's because she brings it up so much. It's because I feel like the fact that she's bringing it up to me all the time means that she thinks I'm ugly and fat and gross and that I won't get anywhere in life without losing weight. (How am I not supposed to think that when she says things to me like "You could get any guy you wanted to if you'd just lose weight," or "I'm just worried that you're on the verge of getting diabetes or even worse - having to get gastric bypass!" GASTRIC BYPASS!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? I DONT WEIGH 300 FUCKING POUNDS. I WEIGH 175, AND EVEN AT THIS WEIGHT I AM NO OBESE OR OVERWEIGHT ENOUGH TO NEED FUCKING SURGERY. Fucking psychotic bitch!)
The funny part? The funny part is that ever since I've been conscious of my body and what "fat" is, she's told me stories about how fucked up her body image is because HER FATHER tormented her about her weight and called her fat even when she had put on 5lbs. And now, she's doing the same fucking shit to me and my sister. She keeps saying she wants to help and that she's concerned.. but it's not something that fixes itself overnight and there is no use bringing it up to me 5 times a day. It's like she doesn't think that I know I need to lose some weight. Doesn't she know that I've known that I need to lose weight for a while now? And then she says how it all piled on after my dad died... Trying to imply that I haven't dealt with my dad's death. I have realized that I don't think I will ever have fully dealt with my dad's death. But for the most part, I have. My dad was like my best friend, he was the person I would go to whenever my mom would act like this, and he even told me himself that she is a "crazy person" sometimes. That is why they got divorced. She brings him up, all the time. SHE IS THE ONE who hasn't gotten over his death. She acts like they were soul mates and that pisses me off. They weren't. At all.
I'm so much better at being a happy person than being a sad one. I suck at being sad. Grr.
Hannah Claire