xoxo,
My mom, sister, and I went to dinner tonight. It was all fun and nice family time. Until my mom brought up my weight, and my sister's weight. GOOD FUCKING PLACE TO BRING IT UP MOM. IN A RESTAURANT. WHERE WE ARE EATING.
Are you kidding?
She goes on to explain to my sister that she's willing to pay for any personal training, gym equipment, etc, that she or I might need (she had already explained this to me earlier....) to lose weight. My sister got defensive, my mom admitted that she is more worried about me than my sister.
I said "STOP. Just... stop. Please." My eyes began tearing, the little tingle in my nose started.. you know, the one you get right before you're about to burst into tears. I tried to look up at the ceiling, down at the table, across the room to the TVs by the bar.. anywhere to get my mind off of the current horrible situation that was bubbling our table. The tears still came. Thank god it was the end of our dinner. Paid the bill, got in the car. My dear sweet little sister tried to help me by talking to my mom in the car and trying to explain to her why we don't like our weight brought up so much.. Mom freaked, thought she was the one being attacked, of course, and turned everything around on me and my sister. What the fuck?
I couldn't handle it anymore, I went off. I yelled. I yelled at her. I told her that the reason why I cry about my weight is not because of MY WEIGHT. It's because she brings it up so much. It's because I feel like the fact that she's bringing it up to me all the time means that she thinks I'm ugly and fat and gross and that I won't get anywhere in life without losing weight. (How am I not supposed to think that when she says things to me like "You could get any guy you wanted to if you'd just lose weight," or "I'm just worried that you're on the verge of getting diabetes or even worse - having to get gastric bypass!" GASTRIC BYPASS!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? I DONT WEIGH 300 FUCKING POUNDS. I WEIGH 175, AND EVEN AT THIS WEIGHT I AM NO OBESE OR OVERWEIGHT ENOUGH TO NEED FUCKING SURGERY. Fucking psychotic bitch!)
The funny part? The funny part is that ever since I've been conscious of my body and what "fat" is, she's told me stories about how fucked up her body image is because HER FATHER tormented her about her weight and called her fat even when she had put on 5lbs. And now, she's doing the same fucking shit to me and my sister. She keeps saying she wants to help and that she's concerned.. but it's not something that fixes itself overnight and there is no use bringing it up to me 5 times a day. It's like she doesn't think that I know I need to lose some weight. Doesn't she know that I've known that I need to lose weight for a while now? And then she says how it all piled on after my dad died... Trying to imply that I haven't dealt with my dad's death. I have realized that I don't think I will ever have fully dealt with my dad's death. But for the most part, I have. My dad was like my best friend, he was the person I would go to whenever my mom would act like this, and he even told me himself that she is a "crazy person" sometimes. That is why they got divorced. She brings him up, all the time. SHE IS THE ONE who hasn't gotten over his death. She acts like they were soul mates and that pisses me off. They weren't. At all.
I'm so much better at being a happy person than being a sad one. I suck at being sad. Grr.
Hannah Claire
Saturday, December 27, 2008
xoxo,
A webcam pic of the day...? maybe.
I guess I've been hiding under a virtual internet rock for the past couple of years. This kid is crazy, but I think I might be totally in love with him. Such a cutie.
Yep. So cute. <3
I wish that in every post I had something incredibly thoughtful to say. The reality is that I just don't. Sometimes my posts are materialistic and superficial, and guess what? I am entirely A OK with that. Mhhm.
I want glittery bows. For my hair. And hot topic has new Twilight shirts, and I would like one of those too please. And I also wish that I would have packed my extensions when I came to Dallas, because I find myself bored and wanting to dye my fucking hair and make it long again. Rawr.
So anyway, here's my webcam picture of the day. Don't steal it, k? Thanks :)
I took that with facebook last night. I get SO bored here! Ah! Ya'll should talk to me, kay? EMAIL ME!!. I always write back! :)
xoxo
Hannah Claire
Friday, December 26, 2008
xoxo,
I want to see how long it takes me to write this post.
I have a lot on my mind, kinda. Sorta. I don't really know. But I know I need to get it out.
My mom went out of town for a couple days. She left yesterday, comes back tomorrow night. So I'm alone in her house babysitting the animals. I thought it was going to be horrible, but it's really not. I get to watch whatever I want on the TV, listen to my music AND watch tv at the same time, and pretty much do whatever I want. I feel like I'm in 8th grade again. My sister has been keeping me company for the most part, and we went shopping today. I bought these sweet pink wayfarer's... so cute!
I also spent about 300 bucks on clothes. I decided a couple things today.
1) Diet and exercise plan: back on. This is hard for me to admit, but I need to lose 40 pounds. I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life. I don't like it, and something needs to change. Salad and protein for me 'til it's gone. Ughhhhh.... It's just that.. I remember, two years ago, when I was at my most fit and lowest weight since high school. I was still unhappy with my body. I still thought I was fat, and I weighed 45lbs less than I do now! Can you even believe that? WTF! I saw a couple pics from then, and I looked great, I don't know what I was thinking.. I would give anything to get back to that, so I just have to force myself to do it this time. I just have to stop preoccupying myself with all these other people, and focus on me. Me me me me me. MY body, MY classes, MY LIFE. It has to happen. Now.
2) I'm dying my hair brown - and yes - puttin' the extensions back in. I'm gonna do it myself. We'll call it my first non-credited cosmetology class.. haaaa. I really like the short blonde 'do, but for some reason I think dark brown fits me better, plus I just miss my long hair.
3) I do NOT want to move here yet. It's not time. Nuh-uh no way!
Oh, and I have a new year's resolution. But it's not the typical "I want to lose X amount of pounds by X day..." thing. Nope. Know what it is? I'm not telling. I think if I tell, it won't happen. So.. not telling. But it's a good one. It might actually happen. :)
What else, what else? I need a manicure, and a pedicure. BAD. I might go get one tomorrow.. we'll seeeee! Oh, and i posted this on my facebook page a few days ago. It's my 2008 survey. Fun stuff. Lookie loooo!
Best Film Of 2008:- probably not the best, but the best in my eyes..duhh, twilight.
Best Book Of 2008:- Again, I'm biased. Twilight.
Best Actor Of 2008:- No one really stood out to me this year so I will continue the Twilight trend and say... Robert Pattinson
Best Actress Of 2008:- Meryl Streep is always amazing.
Best Celebrity Of 2008:- Britney Spears for getting her shit together!
Best Game Of 2008:- The recent UNLV vs UofA game. I wasn't there but we WON!!!
Best Song Of 2008:- "Just Dance" by Lady Gaga. Its my anthem.
Best Moment Of 2008:- Wasted Space (Ms. McEwen knows why) haha, oh and "investigating" is fun too.
Best Band Of 2008:- I'm gonna have to say Fall Out Boy only cuz I'm loving their new album right now. Every Avenue would be second.
Best Singer Of 2008:- Duffy. She's super original. Katy Perry is a close runner up.
Best TV Show Of 2008:- Gossip Girl. Its like crack.
Best Piece Of News 2008:- Snow in Vegas!
Worst Film Of 2008:- The Love Guru..horrible!!
Worst Book Of 2008:- I haven't read any bad books this year!
Worst Celebrity Of 2008:- Sarah Palin
Worst Game Of 2008:- "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?"
Worst Song Of 2008:- That slammin screen doors song by Taylor Swift. Ughhhhh.
Worst Moment Of 2008:- cracking 2 ribs in February when I had bronchitis.
Worst Band Of 2008:- Jonas Brothers
Worst Tv Show Of 2008:- the new 90210.
Worst Piece Of News 2008:- all the terrorist bombings in India.
Did you have any resolutions? Did you break them? Keep them? To lose weight of course..and no, I gained weight. Oops.
If you could change one thing about 2008, what would it be? Be more focused on myself and school.
What is the most memorable moment of 2008:- going to disney world with my sister!
Who did you spend most of 2008 with? Myself, rachel and jessica.
Where did you spend most of 2008? las vegas
Have you changed alot since 2007? I don't think so. I feel older though?
Bring on 2009 bitches, I'm ready ya'll.
Hannah Claire
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
xoxo,
"The pound of flesh which I demand of him
Is deerely bought, 'tis mine, and I will haue it."
After seeing this movie I feel the need to talk about it. I can't decide whether I liked it, or not.
(If you're planning on seeing this and don't like spoilers, stop reading...)
Will Smith was great. The actual plot of the movie.. I'm not really sure how I feel about glorifying suicide, which was kind of what this movie did. And.. Was Will Smith's character fucking around with fate?? AKA playing God... AKA is this movie a homage to how "good people" will be blessed by God?? I don't like that....
Good acting. Not so sure I liked the movie. Actually, after writing this I've decided that I do not like it. Please go see it and let me know what you think.
Christmas is tomorrow. I'm kinda glad I'm jewish. My mom is leaving to fly back to Idaho tomorrow until Saturday. I'm gonna be babysitting the house 'til then. Boring and lonely. I am gonna make sure she stocks up on wine before she leaves. Haaa.
Merry Christmas, and Happy Chanukkah loves. <3
Hannah Claire
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
xoxo,
You've held me down in this starless city.
I'm tired. I didn't sleep last night. Maybe it's my fault for drinking a little too much wine before bed - whoopsies. I woke up at precisely calculated 2 hour intervals: 2AM, 4AM, 6AM, 8AM, and finally at 10AM I'd had enough and got my sorry ass out of bed to start my day. I had crazy dreams, too. My brain keeps tricking me into dreaming about my as of yet unknown Prince Charming.. hah, that's a laugh! I get mad at myself for dreaming such impossibilities. It's not that I've given up hope. No, I haven't yet completely. I'm just... jaded? Yes, I'm pretty damn lonely sometimes. But.. I know that I'm really not in a point in my life where I'll be in any situation where I would actually meet someone worth my time. Fraternity guys just don't really cut it. Let's face it: they are all in fraternities for a reason... and we all know what that reason is. I'll give you a hint - it starts with an S and ends with an X. If you can't get it, stop reading.
All stupid loneliness issues aside, my day sucked. I woke up irritated, sleepy, and with a monster headache, scratch that, MIGRAINE that was hiding behind my left eyeball all day. While I was out running errands with my mom, I had to force her to stop at CVS so I could grab some excedrine and a smartwater. I felt dizzy, sick, nauseous, etc etc etc. Terrible. It went away after I took the pill, but I haven't had a headache like that in months. Not fun. After a quick and sort of scary episode with my sister's dog (he swallowed a bunch of ibuprofen while she was out of the house - had to take him to the vet and make him throw up, not fun!), we were on our way to the grandparent's to celebrate the 3rd night of Chanukah. I got some money and ate some delicious pumpkin pie. I normally don't like pumpkin pie, but this stuff was amazing. My Nana is an amazing lady.
So.. I'm missing a show on Saturday that I really wanted to go to. Not because I like the bands, haha, but because of what is going to happen afterwards. S and I were invited to spend some quality time with some very cool musicians after and during the show, and stupid me has to be out of town, leaving S to be merch sidekick all alone and driving W up to the cabin all by her lonesome. Grrr! Why can't I have a teleportation machine?
...Santa??
Okay, maybe not. I really wish I could be there. Who knows when this sort of weekend will happen again. (sigggghhh)
Sleep is coming, I think.
I hope. No Prince Charming dreams tonight please, I've had enough of your fairytales.
Hannah Claire
Monday, December 22, 2008
xoxo,
..happens late at night.
Joshua Radin. Get it. A little too cheery for my mood right now, but it's actually helping me.. a little.
Disney World was fantastical. I'm sad to be back in Dallas. I wish I were in Vegas.
I can't stand my mom. I had 2 glasses of wine... large glasses... so I could fall asleep. And it worked. So, I'm going to sleep now. I'll post tomorrow. Yaawwwn....
Hannah Claire
Saturday, December 13, 2008
xoxo,
I got a really short story to tell.
I have a tagboard. Let's talk! :)
I also made a twitter account! Twitter Me!
Oh, and if anyone's wondering.. I didn't just randomly invent myself overnight. I used to blog way, way, back when. I still have some of my posts and the last time I actually posted on the last blog was May 2006. Haaa. No one read that blog. I'm sure no one reads this one either, but I can pretend. :)
Disney World tomorrow! 6am wake up call. Blech, but it's worth it.
I'm still working on my last final. It never ends.
Love!
xoxo
Hannah Claire
Friday, December 12, 2008
xoxo,
xoxo,
xoxo,
xoxo,
then we're all just fucked. Or are we?
I'm home now. "Home" being Dallas... which isn't actually my home. I think it's weird how "home" can change so many times in the course of one year, even the course of a day. When I'm not home, I call the hotel "home". When I'm in Vegas, my house is home. My mother's house is "home". Maybe someone can have more than one home?
My sickness is not getting better. It's actually worse now that I've been in that stuffy metal box 30,000 ft above the ground. Going up was fine, coming down... ouch. I felt like my eardrums were going to pop open and start bleeding all over the person in the seat next to me. Messy. Now it feels like there is a permanent, invisible cotton ball stuck in my left ear. It's really pretty irritating. It has come in handy a couple of times tonight, when I tuned my mother out.
"Hannah, are you listening?"
"Oh - what? Sorry, my ear, I can't hear anything!"
I love her but I wish she wouldn't drink... as much. She was so incoherent tonight that I almost pretended to be sleepy just so I could go to the bedroom to hide, to not have to deal with it. To not have to deal with her. (sigh)
I have one more final to take. Online. Tomorrow. Fuck.
I want to go to Disney World. NOW.
This is my mantra for tomorrow... Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.....
xoxo
Hannah Claire
So.
4:20 AMIt's 4:15 in the morning as I start writing this post. I did come home at 1:30am, only to head back out again because my friends were insisting I stay out as long as possible on my last night in Vegas. This city... it never stops. Literally. It's so hard to not get caught up in Las Vegas. The nightlife, the people, everything. Everything is a never ending party.
Here I sit, at 4:15 in the morning, praying that I will be able to wake myself up tomorrow for my flight to Dallas. It's times like these that I love my friends and hate them at the same time.
I go back and forth with the thought of staying here after graduation. I can't decide. I assume that if the impossible were to happen - the impossible being I meet the love of my life, the dream of all dreams, the one that I can spend forever with - I would stay here. But I don't think that is going to happen. There are too many distractions. No one is in Las Vegas for the right reasons. Maybe I'm attracted to the wrong guys? I'm not sure. I do know that I'm not going to settle, not anymore. It's a good feeling.
But, at the same time... very unsettling. Oye.
Tomorrow (well, today) is flight day. Also unsettling. Anxiety is already setting in. No deep sleep for me tonight.
Love you pumpkins, tell your friends.
xoxo
Hannah Claire
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Quick.
6:49 PMQuick first post. I'm going out tonight.
Finals are over. Well, almost.
One more, not due 'til Saturday. I'm leaving for Texas tomorrow. To Orlando on Sunday. Disney World here I come! I'm so excited. It's going to be a good trip.
Leaving Vegas is always bittersweet. I hate it here so much sometimes, but in the face of leaving, I start to miss the sin. Upset I might have to miss the show on the 27th. I was really looking forward to that. I made s. promise to take lots of happy pictures for me if I can't come back in time. If b. is there and I miss it, I'll be upset.
Time to pack! More soon.
xoxo
Hannah Claire
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6:37 PM1, 2, 3, 4...
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Hannah Claire